Life is Odd

So, it’s been 437,365.2 years or so since I’ve blogged. What has been happening?

WELL… I’m glad you asked.

I up and moved back to Las Vegas last year.

I started this post at a minuscule little table in a little town home. It’s actually a decent place, with 3 bedrooms, and my sister lives in the living room, because she also decided to up and move to Las Vegas.

This was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. I was not very partial to the man-sized, flesh-eating mosquitos in Texas, but everything and everyONE else was something I was quite fond of. But, I suppose when God tells you to do something, you’d better do it.

In June (2012, just to clarify), I sent my kids off to their father’s early, packed up my Kia Rondo (which is NOT a minivan, thankyouverymuch), and drove – BY MYSELF – halfway across the country along the MOST boring stretch of road ever. As someone who does not enjoy driving, and avoids road trips like the plague, that sure was fun.

After two days and 20 hours, I arrived at my fabulous friend’s house. She let me take up space for a couple of months while I applied for about 200 or so jobs. (That is not an exaggeration. Seriously.) So, here I am, missing my friends, my church, my children, my family, my HOME, unemployed and having zero luck at becoming employed, bored, lonely and wondering if I really was supposed to move.

Time was drawing close to needing to go and get my children, and I was starting to panic. I had no job to take care of them with, no money to go get them, and they were SO miserable. They called me every night, crying and wanting to come home.

My parents finally sold the house and moved. I had just enough money to buy a plane ticket back to Texas AND was also able to work temporarily at my old, and much missed, job. Yay!

Then, my amazing parents decided that it was time for us to come back, so they bought tickets for us, and now there I was in that tiny little town home, with my sister in the living room.

Thank Jesus, just as I hit empty on the bank account (after an entire year of searching), I finally got a job for the city. Parks and Rec (no, I haven’t seen the show). We just moved about a month ago to a much, much, much nicer and way, way, way, way less roach infested (maybe a slight exaggeration, but even one is too much). Now we’re just living and going day-by-day waiting for the awesomeness that is sure to come.

Maybe it won’t be 437,365.2 until the next entry, yes? Yes!

Thoughts

[We had an excellent discussion at our staff meeting today, and I have pondered everything we talked about. I will readily admit that I am using a lot of the stuff our Pastor (to be referred to as PJ) said today. Thanks, PJ!]

Except for saying I am proud of my Navy (which I am!), I’ve kept pretty silent on the whole Osama is Dead subject. But after having our staff meeting and listening and reading what others have said, I have just a few thoughts. Of course, I debated writing this post – most of me wants to stay out of it. But, alas, there has been pondering and I like to share when I ponder. Dang it. So, pondered and agreed and sharing. (Please remember these are my thoughts and will most definitely not be agreed by everyone. If you comment – regardless of your stance, keep it civil.)

I am VERY proud of the excellent job the Navy Seals did (Navy Vet here!).

I am NOT sad he is dead.

BUT… I’m not dancing and rejoicing either.

Just, “Hey, bad guy is gone. No more innocent people hurt by him. K, moving on now.”

Observation #1: You know how, when someone from “over there” does something we say is terrible “over here” and we get all up-in-arms and pissed and think that country is full of terrible human beings because they rejoice in the streets at what was done to us? How is it different if we rejoice in the streets at what they perceive to be a terrible thing done to them “over there” by us “over here”? Somehow we’re better people? We don’t have anyone of “our people” that ever do anything to any of “their people”? We may not have committed horrible acts that killed thousands of people, but I think we can all think of horrible acts that have been done by “our people” that killed a few of “their people” who were actually innocent. (Read the article in the April 25 (I think) People Magazine. So sad.) We put ourselves on the level we accuse them of being on when we publicly party.

Observation #2: This was the biggest point of discussion. People who call themselves ‘Christians’, who expect the world to believe we serve a God of love and MERCY, rejoicing at this. No, there’s nothing wrong with being glad that justice has been served on a terrible person. But, rejoicing?

A friend posted on FB Romans 12:9, “Hate what is evil, but cling to what is good.” Um, I don’t see anything about, “Hate what is evil, and rejoice when an evil person dies.” WE, as Christians, are called to hate evil, and cling to the goodness of God. To rejoice when someone dies does not reflect the goodness of God.

Don’t like that? The Bible doesn’t contradict itself, right? So, here are two verses that we read today.

Proverbs 24:17-18, “Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice, or the LORD will see and disapprove and turn His wrath away from him.”

No, dead guy won’t be brought back to life, but it says the LORD disapproves when we gloat and rejoice over the fall of our enemy.

How about this one? Ezekial 33:11, “…As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live. Turn! Turn from your evil ways!…”

PJ pointed this out: God knew where our enemy was the entire time we were looking for him. In His mercy, He kept him from being found. Why? As PJ said, each day that our enemy was not found was another chance for him to turn from his wicked ways and repent. God doesn’t want anyone to spend eternity away from Him. If He did, why in the world did He send His SON to save us so that we would all have the chance to live?

No, I am NOT sad our enemy is dead. But I will not rejoice.

I AM

We sang the most amazing song this weekend. “Great I Am” by Jared Anderson (at New Life Church). I was lucky enough to here it live a few weeks ago when he was in town with Paul Baloche for a LeadWorship Workshop. Anyway, awesome song. And, of course, I started thinking about it.

Why does God call Himself “I Am”?

I know that there are all sorts of theological and Biblical scholarly and religious reasons and thoughts and explanations and opinions on this. But I will now wax eloquently on my thought process and how it made sense to me.

Exodus 3:14 says, “God says to Moses, ‘I AM WHO I AM’…”

Why? That’s weird and doesn’t make a whole lot of sense when you first hear it. At least, it didn’t to me. What does that even mean?

Every thing in existence – human or not, animate or in-animate – is something. I am a mom. I am a writer. I am a truck driver. A teacher, a pastor, a mailman. If a tree could talk, it would say, “I am a tree.” Same for a rock or a fish or a monkey or a cloud. EVERY thing IS something.

God IS EVERY thing. Creator. Friend. Father. Healer. Warrior. Teacher. Provider. And the list goes on.

We have to say what we are. I am ______. Fill in the blank with what you are. The declaration doesn’t end for us until we fill in that blank – we HAVE to describe ourselves. There is no ______ with God. The declaration ends. I AM.

He is whatever we need Him to be. So many people need a Friend. Father. Healer. Teacher. Warrior. Provider. And on and on and on it goes. A person will never find all of that in another person. It would take an army of people to even scratch the surface. But God – HE IS. He is all of that and more. He doesn’t need to describe Himself any further because He is everything.

As I sang that song this weekend – Easter weekend, by the way – I thought of all of the people who need something they may not even know they need. That’s what He is.

The Great I Am.

Housecleaning

“The words “once more” indicate the removing of what can be shaken—that is, created things—so that what cannot be shaken may remain.” Hebrews 12:27, NIV 1984

My mom sent this verse out to our family several weeks ago as we came together to pray when another crisis hit. I read it, but didn’t totally understand it. But I mulled it over and over and it stuck in my mind.

You see, my family has gone through A LOT in the last couple of years. Serious stuff that has hurt and broken so many people. What the heck is going on?

Then one night – past my bedtime, I might add – I was reading the Bible through the app on my phone. I finished and got all comfy in my bed when this verse came to me again. I felt a strong need to look it up again, only this time in The Message version.

I don’t read The Message a lot. I like the gold ol’ NIV. But I really wanted to read The Message. So, back on the phone I went and looked it up. That “What the heck is going on?” question?

“The phrase “one last shaking” means a thorough housecleaning, getting rid of all the historical and religious junk so that the unshakable essentials stand clear and uncluttered.” Hebrews 12:27, The Message

THAT’S what’s going on. Ah! I get it! (That doesn’t mean I like it. I just get it.) We all have religious and historical junk. Baggage. Generational curses. Growing up in the Assembly of God world, LOTS of RELIGION. Historically, my family has been cursed with anger and fear and resentment and keeping score and all sorts of crap that can hurt you and your family and hold you back.

What the heck is going on? God has brought us to the point where we are capable of fighting through the serious stuff and clearing out the junk. Getting rid of the preconceived notion of what “real” Christians are supposed to do and think and believe and how “real” Christians are supposed to live. And breaking free from that to truly be able to know the REAL God. Breaking free from all of the junk that has held us back and kept us from knowing true freedom. My aunt recently blogged about Psalm 119:45 (also The Message version) and the wide-open spaces we should be able to run in as REAL Christians; not the religious box we can get stuck in as “real” Christians.

So, I hate it. I hate the cleaning and the shaking. It hurts and it is draining. BUT, at the end of it all, we will be in the freedom that the truth and the important stuff left brings through it all.

Getting Used to It

I realized something this week after another crap thing happened.

Complacency is not your friend.

After the huge family blow-up/fracture/devastation that happened over a year ago, we healed and moved on and let the “new” become normal. There’s nothing wrong with that – you have to heal and move on from things. But I think that once the “new” finally became normal, and people had healed (as much as they can), complacency set in.

During the Big Deal, there was lots of praying and spiritual fighting (warfare for my Christian friends) and really digging into our faith and God.

Then complacency.

We still pray and try to get closer to God and live our lives the way he wants us to, but the warfare tapered off and we became fine and happy with what life was. The true searching of God’s heart waned.

And we became complacent.

So, another horrid wake-up call that we can’t ignore. And now we’re back in the trenches, fighting and warfare-ing and digging in.

We can NOT become complacent. God doesn’t like that. He wants us to always go after him with everything we’ve got. Even when things seem fine, there is ALWAYS something brewing under the surface that we can’t necessarily see. The point of constantly fighting against the stuff brewing is so that it is taken care of before it reaches the volcano-boiling point. Before it throws life into a terrible turmoil and everyone is hurt.

I hope and pray that I won’t become complacent. I hope and pray that God will get my attention – in a much more gentle way PLEASE – in the very early stages of complacency so that He won’t have to jar us out of our stupor.

Don’t be complacent in your faith and in the Way Things Are. It hurts too much.

[As a side note, TALK ABOUT IT. Silence kills – you keep your hurts to yourself and it will eat away at you until you snap. Why the heck else would God give us families (if yours is close) and friends? This is a whole other blog.]

The In-Betweeners

I am an In-Betweener.

There are two basic categories of people: Married/Seriously Dating Someone and Single/Sort of Dating Someone or Lots of People. Everyone you know falls into one of those categories.

Well, everyone except the In-Betweeners.

I used to be married, but now I’m not. So, my married/coupled up friends are always doing married/coupled up things. I am single, but I have kids and I sure do not even fall into the Sort of Dating Someone category.

So, I either plan things with my married/coupled up friends and then watch them be all together and feel like the odd one out. Or, I plan things with my single friends – who, by the way, can still be spontaneous, which one with children can’t be – and feel awkward and the odd one out because I’m over the uber-single stuff some of them like to do. Or, I still have to wake up at some early hour in the morning, so no way am I staying out until 1am, and they don’t get it.

Where does that leave me? Kind of in-between. And spending a lot of time with my FCB(s).

I realized tonight that I am tired of being alone. I don’t mind being at home – I’m not a big go-out-all-the-time person – but I’m tired of being home alone. Most of my conversations are with Myself. (At least Myself is witty and smart.) I guess I’m tired of being “single”, but really not single because of my kids whoIwouldn’ttradeanylifeanywherefor. I’m getting bored of Myself. There isn’t a whole lot of new and challenging thoughts with Myself.

I guess I’m just blog-ranting tonight.

My friend asked me today if I was ok with being single. Honestly, I really am. Most of the time. I lead a full life and my kids wear me out enough. I suppose, though, that I have an empty place that I generally ignore, but sometimes it rears it’s ugly and depressing head and I have to deal with it.

Tonight, I will deal with it. I may deal with it with a large glass of tasty adult beverage and a movie where people blow up, but that’s better than another conversation with Myself.

 

The Red Letters

1.I know it’s Tuesday, but I was so excited about yesterday’s post that I’m doing ‘manic monday’ today.

2. This is a totally religious post today. You have been warned.

3. These are my thoughts at this moment. Do not lynch me if you don’t agree with them. In fact, I know lots of people won’t. That’s the beauty of independent thinking.

AND, here we go…

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I believe. And right now it boils down to The Red Letters.

You know what those are, right? In the Bible, all of Jesus’ quotes are in red. (If you have a red letter Bible, which I do, so I am therefore slightly more holy than you.) (I jest.)

I absolutely believe that God is God. The one and only God. I believe He loves me. I believe he sent His Son to save me through the Cross. I strive to live my life for Him and according to His plan for me. I know I’ve gotten off track – a lot – but I get back on and keep going. And I believe in the Red Letters.

I read the Bible [almost] daily. I’m not perfect, people! There are days when I don’t. But I do talk to Him every single day, about 427,000 times a day. I have to. He’s the only one that is always there and is always listening, even if I can’t hear him through my physical ears. I won’t lie about the fact that there are times I wonder if He really is, but I do it anyway, because deep down, I know He is.

Anyway, I’ve come to the [not so startling] conclusion that we tend to limit God. That we – through whatever doctrine we grew up with or through our own limited knowledge – put God in a box. For some people, the box is bigger than others. But there’s still a box. I have decided that we really don’t know what God is thinking about things.

Of course I believe that the words written down were divinely inspired. I believe that the letters that Paul or Peter or James or whoever wrote were what they believed God was telling them. Just like my Pastor (who is awesome, by the way) is inspired by God each week and preaches what he feels is laid on his heart. Paul and Peter, et al… were Pastors (or evangelists or missionaries or whatever you want to call them). At the same time, Paul or Peter or my Pastor is human, and that is why the Bible tells us to test everything through the Holy Spirit. I don’t always agree with everything they say. I don’t just arbitrarily not agree with them. And if I hear something I don’t know if I agree with or not, I pray about it. And check the Red Letters. Lots of times I am proven to be wrong, and that’s ok with me.

So, like I said, I think that a lot of the time we tend to take things exactly as they’re said, and we don’t search enough. We don’t seek enough. We want to think that we have it all figured out and that we have God’s thoughts on a lot of things all figured out.

I don’t know what I really feel about things like divorce and homosexuality and women pastors and healing and all sorts of super hot-button topics. I can speak specifically to divorce because I am divorced. It’s a huge and conflicting topic for me. Even the Red Letters make me question myself. Look at Matthew 10:10-12. Do I take that literally? Or do I take it as if you’re just willy-nilly getting married and divorcing people and not respecting the sanctity of marriage? I respect it. Getting a divorce was a huge, painful horrid decision. At the same time, I know that God released me. I struggled with forgiving myself. And I know that if I get to get married again, it will be for life. So, what do I think about that verse? That Red Lettered verse?

Which is why I have choosen to believe that God is the only thing that is absolute about God. All the rest? I just ask Him for guidance and pray that I’m following it.

Sickness, Healing, Prayer – and All That Stuff

My mom is sick.

We (and by we, I mean several doctors so far) can’t figure out what’s wrong with her.

It started in early December. Dizzy, weak, faint-ish.

Over a month later, still the same.

She’s been to three or four doctors, who’ve all taken blood and done heart tests and all sorts of stuff. She’s tried a few medicines (she’s uber-sensitive), eats more and better (not that we eat bad to begin with). It’s so frustrating because she’s had to basically quit life. She can’t drive, and it uses so much energy to get ready to leave the house that she can barely make it through whatever she went out to do.

I HATE my mom being like this.

[Sidebar – a wonderful doctor friend of ours is determined to figure out what’s going on and get her well. Unlike the other doctors that have done standard tests, taken some money, then say, “Oh, well, I can’t help you. Next.”]

Which brings me to the healing part. I wonder sometimes if God still heals people.

Yes, I’ve heard – just recently in fact – from friends who have experienced or first-hand witnessed it. I think that’s awesome. But, I guess I wonder if it’s ever going to be something I see.

The Bible says all sorts of things about prayer and healing and so on. “Where two or more are gathered…” “Whatever you ask for in my name…” Those are a couple of the biggies.

So many people have been praying for my mom, in His name. She’s not better. Then you start to wonder if you’re praying right, or hard enough, or if you did something that you haven’t confessed or whatever. And you start to doubt that God will heal. Or answer your prayers in general.

I believe God CAN heal. I know that He answers prayers for financial, job, marriage, blah blah. I just wonder if He will ever answer me.

Decisions

Today I had to make some decisions, and not the fun kind, like which dress to wear or restaurant to go to. And considering I can never decide where to eat, hard decisions are torturous.

As I wrote about earlier (here if you missed it), I’m losing my GI Bill, which is just over half of my income, which is not good. I hoped to have it extended, but no go. So, I had to decide what to do.

Full-time school just wasn’t going to work anymore, because I need to work more now. I have to drop two of my classes. It’s only two of the four because the other two I can do online. Time is freed up, so now to look for extra income. I may have to go back to working two jobs.

Honestly, that makes me cry. I’ve worked two jobs before, and it sucks all of my energy and time, meaning less – if any – time with my kids. They may drive me crazy, but I need to spend time with them. I need their hugs and madness to keep me going.

The new year usually brings stuff like this, and now you know why I don’t place much hope in the changing of a number. The new normal I wanted? I wanted a BETTER normal.

I am feeling quite manic indeed today.

Land of the Lost

Do you ever feel lost?

Not lost as in you didn’t want to actually ask for directions. Lost in your life.

I feel like that right now.

I fell like the road that I’ve been on for the past year or two isn’t the right one. Maybe I made a wrong turn somewhere. Or maybe I am on the right road but I can’t tell because nothing looks familiar.

I don’t like being lost. When I’m in the car – no matter who’s driving – and I even think we may be lost, I panic. My heart starts racing and I start to get a little freaked out. There have been a few times I’ve been lost by myself – really lost – and I have a full-blown freak-out with the crying and panic attack. I think being lost is one of my biggest fears.

So, when my life in general feels lost, I feel helpless and get nervous. As though I’m 5 months pregnant and in the ghetto in a new town I’ve never been in and I have no idea at all how to get back to where I’m staying. (True story. Not the best memory.)

We all want to be in control. I want to be in control. I want to know what’s coming up, where I’m going, how I’m going to get there. Change directions? No problem, just tell me which way to go now. Right now, I don’t know any of that.

This is the part where it’s really, really, really hard to let go. To trust that God knows where He’s taking me. HUGE struggle for me! It only makes sense to let him. I mean, I can’t remember where I put my Chapstick half the time, so how can I trust myself with my life plan?

I still feel completely lost and confused and more than a little panicked. I’m just hoping for a glimpse of the map at this point.